What is fear? 

Fear can mean different things to many different people. It can keep us safe, it can protect us, but it can also hold us back and prevent us from having experiences. Experiences that would never have been there had we stayed under the bubble of fear. 

On my journey, I've discovered two opposing forces in this reality. One is fear, and the other is love, and the further I walk my path, I see that love is the answer to everything. But love doesn't mean keeping yourself hidden away. Love doesn't mean avoiding things, and that includes difficult conversations. 

Now, the reason I speak of this is that when I trained to be a Soul Doula, I learned how a grounded, loving presence is the only way to hold space for someone on their end-of-life journey.

In our culture, we've been raised to not upset people, to not say things, to keep quiet and especially, not to talk about death! Death is a total no-no. 

So as my granddad was nearing the end of his life, I was faced with a dilemma. It's easy for me to say as a young man to talk about death, because, well, I don't know when I'm going to die, but I don't think it's going to be any time soon! Saying that, you never know, but as the law of evolution and age goes, I'm probably going to be here longer than Grandad. 

So, for a young man to talk to a man who was 87 about death, the chances are my grandad's going to experience death before me, and I didn't want to upset him because of this. However, there were certain things I felt had to be said, so I chose love one day instead of fear, and I chose courage too. I said, "Grandad, how do you feel about dying?" His whole body language shifted, he looked me in the eye, and there was almost a sense of relief that someone had actually asked him how he was feeling, and that this subject that was fast approaching him was actually being covered. He said, "No fear. Why do you ask?"

I explained to him that I was doing my Soul Doula training, and that it's important that we have our end-of-life plans, that we have birth plans, so why can't we empower ourselves, at the end-of-life? 

I said, Grandad, you matter. Is there anything that you want? Just by saying those words, it unravelled a whole conversation that may have previously never been experienced had I not listened to love and followed fear - the voice of the mind.

From that, we were able to draw up an end-of-life plan and establish what he would want. We also did some breathing exercises, and he agreed to some Reiki! My grandad was an old school kind of guy, so Reiki was unheard of, but he agreed to it, and he loved it. 

I also explained to my grandad that the hearing sense is the last sense to go, so he would hear everything up until his last moments. So, what would he want to hear in his last moments here? How would he want to be? One of the main things we touched upon was that Grandad wanted to be clean-shaven. He was always a hard-working, working-class man and always had a clean-shaven face, so that was written in his end-of-life plan. 

He also wanted me to read Bible passages to him because being a Soul Doula means you spiritually, emotionally, and holistically support the dying, no matter what your beliefs are. You enable and facilitate the most empowering death possible. 

So, we wrote Bible passages down, the Book of Ruth was a main one, and there were other passages that he would like read to him too.

Certain audio tracks that he would like too were requested - Land of Hope and Glory, that was a great one! What a way to go out. We also spoke as to where he would like to die. The whole experience still makes me cry with love.

Grandad took his last breath in hospital, as this is what his health Power of Attorneys decided was best in the end, because of how he deteriorated. Grandad didn't die at home, which was one of his wishes but we still did our best to facilitate his requests. 

We did as much as we could for his end-of-life plans. He was clean-shaven up until the last day of his life; he went with a little bit of stubble, but I think he'd have been happy with that. We all sat with him, as a family, as he was moved into a side room. It was very peaceful. I wasn't there for his actual last breath; I missed it by a few hours.

In the side room, when I returned after being informed of his death, the family stayed and laughed about old stories and talked about how Grandad always said everything was 'perfectly fine' even when it wasn't. The family then left, and it was just Grandad's body and me in the room. I just stayed with him and sat in silence and meditated next to him, feeling gratitude and love for all he had done for me.

I stared at his body, and I could see how that shell, that vehicle, had done its work for this lifetime, yet who and what was the essence of my grandad can never be destroyed. It is just transformed.

I continued to sit with his body that day, with a little bit of stubble on his face, and read him the book of Ruth, just him and me. 

It was a beautiful moment, and even though his heart had stopped beating, I knew this was what he wanted. I knew the essence of who he was could still feel my intentions behind the act. Part of me did feel initially guilty that I couldn't be there when he died to read this, but I let that go. Guilt is useless in times like that, and often loved ones frequently die alone, as this is a doorway for them to leave, as love and bonds often keep them in this world. If you missed a loved one's passing, drop the guilt; it was perfect and meant to be like that - self-punishment is not love, it's a form of fear.

By reading the verse Grandad had requested, it gave us that beautiful closure, and as I got to the last paragraph of the book of Ruth, I cried as I saw the poignant message in which he had left me through the final words of that passage. 

I took it as a sign of how he had perceived me throughout his life, and this was being communicated to me from beyond the grave, if you like, a little parting gift. That moment will stay with me forever. 

So, I say to you, what would love do? Love loves everyone unconditionally; love does not have conditions. It loves everyone, and it tells the truth. But telling the truth is sometimes saying what nobody wants to say, but that can often be the most empowering and loving thing. Whereas fear will keep you small, keep you hidden, and prevent situations from happening that may change the world and a person's life forever. 

So today, choose love, love everyone, and tell the truth. If you have a member of your family who is currently dying, don't resist it, don't deny it, for this creates more suffering. 

Approach the subject of death gently with them. What would they like? It may be a relief that someone is talking about the elephant in the room, and through that, may make their dying journey easier. It may offer them the opportunity to feel true connection and release some of their fear surrounding death. 

Love can dissolve the boundaries of death that we have created in our fearful Western society. So, choose love, and if you can, even have some fun if you can with your own end-of-life planning, and I promise you it will empower you and everyone around you. By helping someone else plan their end-of-life journey, it will empower them and change that dying person's life forever.

David E Jones

𝐒𝐨𝐮𝐥 𝐃𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐚
𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫 𝐨𝐟 '𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡'

𝐓𝐀𝐎𝐃 - 𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐚𝐜𝐡 & 𝐇𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠

www.theawakeningofdeath.com